Struggling Fish

Yesterday I needed solace so I trekked down to Littleton and hiked out to a little private beach at an area of the South Platte that pools into a lake. Except for the occasional cyclist, I was the only one I could see... lake, foothills, blue sky. It was perfect. And I just sat.

My grandmother died about 2 1/2 months ago. Since then I have spent 3 weeks in Texas, 1 week in London, interviewed 3 times for a job I didn't get, finished up my last full semester of seminary, moved houses, took a 2-week intensive course, and auditioned for and was offered a new job. Oh and did I mention that during all of this my grandfather died on the operating room table to be brought back to life in a state of delirium?

I have not had time to grieve the loss of Omie, the turmoil of my Opie, and the constant wearing down of my family. Last night I had my third dream of breaking down and crying. I think it's finally here. In full force. I'm sad. Really sad.

As I sat in the lake yesterday, a violent splashing sound caught my attention. As I investigated the disturbance, I discovered a flailing fish at the water's surface, unable to free itself from whatever was vying for its submission. Never did I see a fisherman or any other cause for such behavior. What I did see was my own journey played out in the struggle of this fish. There were times it fought for its life and then would disappear. The waters would return to calm and all seemed fine. Without notice, it would appear once again in full force fighting against his invisible opponent.

Sometimes I wish the waters would just stay still.

Jar of Hearts

It's one thing to listen to a song and resonate with the artist singing. It's quite another to recognize that you resonate more with the one the song is being sung to.

I just thank God I've learned to grow.

Jar of Hearts by Christina Perri

Baptism

So getting baptized today was truly incredible... as I looked through the pictures of the "dunking" I couldn't help but notice the twisted and uncomfortable expression on my face every time I was either about to go into the water or coming out of it (I was immersed three times, symboling the Trinity). At first I thought it made for bad pictures... who would want to see that?! But then I contemplated on what baptism symbolizes... the death of self. The death of self is NOT a fun-filled adventure... it's grueling and uncomfortable and scary... just like getting dunked over and over and over again... So, I must say, the pics definitely capture the meaning of baptism. And all I have to say is Hallelujah!

Recovery and Restoration

I wouldn't say I'm a pro at being patient in any kind of recovery. I feel as though I'm in recovery from different hurts and pains all the time. And I'm learning that things don't need to be stable, settled, and calm to have an inner peace. Sometimes that inner peace comes from the hope you find in what the future can hold.

The past is often viewed in tragedy, the present is often turbulent, but the future is ALWAYS hopeful. Having hope means you anticipate good. Having fear means you anticipate bad. I choose to anticipate good because really there is no other way to live... Living in fear is no life at all. If all we do is sit around and worry, we'll miss incredible opportunities to participate in life with others.

That leads me to my next point: others.

Relationships of all kinds are tough. If you've ever been in love, you definitely know what I mean. But friendships can also be hard. It is inevitable that you will run into conflict with the ones you hold most dear. The pain is real, the recovery is long, but hopefully love will forever reign supreme. This is my prayer at least. Amen.

Song that keeps popping up in my head...

... depressing? yes. necessary? apparently so.

Don't call me

Don't write

Don't show up in the middle of the night

You know that

We needed

Some time and space to breathe in

I still recall the words you said to me

It's what you did not say that sets me free

Now how can I find peace of mind when you keep coming back again?

It's not okay for you to play this game of seesaw with my head

Now it hurts too much

And it hits too hard

And I won't play this part

Don't call me

Don't write

Don't show up in the middle of the night

You know that

We needed

Some time and space to breathe in

So now I say the things I want to say

Sometimes it's better letting go this way

I'll always know

Down in my soul

We really had so far to go

I've given all I had to give

And now it's time for me to live

And I won't look back

And I won't regret

Though it hurts like hell

Someday I will forget

Don't call me

Don't write

Don't show up in the middle of the night

You know that

We needed

Some time and space to breathe in

To say that you've been thinking

Cause I know it's just the drinking

It's funny how we seem to end up here

I never thought I'd see this soul disappear

Don't call me

Don't write

Don't show up in the middle of the night

You know that

We needed

Some time and space to breathe in

And this is letting go

This is letting go

This is letting go

This is letting go

[Amen]

Winds of Change

I've always associated wind with the presence of God and change. Lately Denver has become the new Chicago with high winds every day this week. I have grown accustomed to going on 2 or 3 walks a day along the river this Spring and every time it has been tainted by the amount of gnats that cluster around my face.

In my talks with God I've related all those gnats to the muck in my life, longing to get out of it. Today as I was walking, I noticed something about the wind. It drove the gnats away from my face. While God has given each of us the ability to walk into and through the wind, those gnats don't stand a chance.

How beautiful a picture of God's grace and love.

The Cost of Change

A friend of mine once told me that change only occurs when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain that comes with change...

I am in a period of change... and it hurts. Changing my entire paradigm of living, I am caught in a flux of discomfort I can't seem to shake. Do I prefer that I was not changing? No way in hell. What I'm leaving behind creates a far greater pain than what I am currently experiencing.

Another maxim recently imparted to me is this: What you do in the future is of far more importance than anything you've done in the past. What forgiveness and grace is in those words! Can I get an AMEN?!

Amen.