my colorado take

Struggling Fish

2011-06-30T12:19:00.003-05:00

Yesterday I needed solace so I trekked down to Littleton and hiked out to a little private beach at an area of the South Platte that pools into a lake. Except for the occasional cyclist, I was the only one I could see... lake, foothills, blue sky. It was perfect. And I just sat.

My grandmother died about 2 1/2 months ago. Since then I have spent 3 weeks in Texas, 1 week in London, interviewed 3 times for a job I didn't get, finished up my last full semester of seminary, moved houses, took a 2-week intensive course, and auditioned for and was offered a new job. Oh and did I mention that during all of this my grandfather died on the operating room table to be brought back to life in a state of delirium?

I have not had time to grieve the loss of Omie, the turmoil of my Opie, and the constant wearing down of my family. Last night I had my third dream of breaking down and crying. I think it's finally here. In full force. I'm sad. Really sad.

As I sat in the lake yesterday, a violent splashing sound caught my attention. As I investigated the disturbance, I discovered a flailing fish at the water's surface, unable to free itself from whatever was vying for its submission. Never did I see a fisherman or any other cause for such behavior. What I did see was my own journey played out in the struggle of this fish. There were times it fought for its life and then would disappear. The waters would return to calm and all seemed fine. Without notice, it would appear once again in full force fighting against his invisible opponent.

Sometimes I wish the waters would just stay still.

Jar of Hearts

2010-07-16T13:46:00.006-05:00

It's one thing to listen to a song and resonate with the artist singing. It's quite another to recognize that you resonate more with the one the song is being sung to.

I just thank God I've learned to grow.

Jar of Hearts by Christina Perri

Baptism

2010-05-26T00:02:00.003-05:00

So getting baptized today was truly incredible... as I looked through the pictures of the "dunking" I couldn't help but notice the twisted and uncomfortable expression on my face every time I was either about to go into the water or coming out of it (I was immersed three times, symboling the Trinity). At first I thought it made for bad pictures... who would want to see that?! But then I contemplated on what baptism symbolizes... the death of self. The death of self is NOT a fun-filled adventure... it's grueling and uncomfortable and scary... just like getting dunked over and over and over again... So, I must say, the pics definitely capture the meaning of baptism. And all I have to say is Hallelujah!

Recovery and Restoration

2010-04-23T00:18:00.002-05:00

I wouldn't say I'm a pro at being patient in any kind of recovery. I feel as though I'm in recovery from different hurts and pains all the time. And I'm learning that things don't need to be stable, settled, and calm to have an inner peace. Sometimes that inner peace comes from the hope you find in what the future can hold.

The past is often viewed in tragedy, the present is often turbulent, but the future is ALWAYS hopeful. Having hope means you anticipate good. Having fear means you anticipate bad. I choose to anticipate good because really there is no other way to live... Living in fear is no life at all. If all we do is sit around and worry, we'll miss incredible opportunities to participate in life with others.

That leads me to my next point: others.

Relationships of all kinds are tough. If you've ever been in love, you definitely know what I mean. But friendships can also be hard. It is inevitable that you will run into conflict with the ones you hold most dear. The pain is real, the recovery is long, but hopefully love will forever reign supreme. This is my prayer at least. Amen.

Song that keeps popping up in my head...

2010-04-20T11:11:00.002-05:00

... depressing? yes. necessary? apparently so.

Don't call me

Don't write

Don't show up in the middle of the night

You know that

We needed

Some time and space to breathe in

I still recall the words you said to me

It's what you did not say that sets me free

Now how can I find peace of mind when you keep coming back again?

It's not okay for you to play this game of seesaw with my head

Now it hurts too much

And it hits too hard

And I won't play this part

Don't call me

Don't write

Don't show up in the middle of the night

You know that

We needed

Some time and space to breathe in

So now I say the things I want to say

Sometimes it's better letting go this way

I'll always know

Down in my soul

We really had so far to go

I've given all I had to give

And now it's time for me to live

And I won't look back

And I won't regret

Though it hurts like hell

Someday I will forget

Don't call me

Don't write

Don't show up in the middle of the night

You know that

We needed

Some time and space to breathe in

To say that you've been thinking

Cause I know it's just the drinking

It's funny how we seem to end up here

I never thought I'd see this soul disappear

Don't call me

Don't write

Don't show up in the middle of the night

You know that

We needed

Some time and space to breathe in

And this is letting go

This is letting go

[Amen]

Winds of Change

2010-04-14T13:09:00.002-05:00

I've always associated wind with the presence of God and change. Lately Denver has become the new Chicago with high winds every day this week. I have grown accustomed to going on 2 or 3 walks a day along the river this Spring and every time it has been tainted by the amount of gnats that cluster around my face.

In my talks with God I've related all those gnats to the muck in my life, longing to get out of it. Today as I was walking, I noticed something about the wind. It drove the gnats away from my face. While God has given each of us the ability to walk into and through the wind, those gnats don't stand a chance.

How beautiful a picture of God's grace and love.

The Cost of Change

2010-04-13T15:13:00.002-05:00

A friend of mine once told me that change only occurs when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain that comes with change...

I am in a period of change... and it hurts. Changing my entire paradigm of living, I am caught in a flux of discomfort I can't seem to shake. Do I prefer that I was not changing? No way in hell. What I'm leaving behind creates a far greater pain than what I am currently experiencing.

Another maxim recently imparted to me is this: What you do in the future is of far more importance than anything you've done in the past. What forgiveness and grace is in those words! Can I get an AMEN?!

Amen.

28 June 2009 Journal Entry

2010-04-08T02:41:00.002-05:00

I want to love like that.

I want to experience love that aches when apart,

is uncontrolled when together,

and forever smoldering.

I want to love like that.

Secret meetings, longing embraces,

treachery beneath those who think otherwise.

I want to fight for my love;

Show her my love.

I want to pleasure her with deep abandon;

Smell the scent of her hair;

Caress the caverns of her beauty;

Get lost in her eyes.

I want to love like that.

The Weight of the World

2010-04-02T16:55:00.002-05:00

So I haven't blogged in a couple of months, and interestingly haven't even journaled very much. Journaling has always been the most important spiritual discipline in my life since a young age, and for whatever reason I haven't felt compelled to write out what all has been happening in my life... until now.

The past few months have been the most transformational for me during my time at seminary. While I was dragged through the mire in darkness last semester (which I have discussed somewhat on this site), now I am being cleaned off and stepping into new robes to walk forward.

"Moving forward" has been my mantra for the past several weeks as I am finally in a place of strength to leave what is in the past behind me and look forward to what God has in store for me.

My relationship with God lately has been interesting. I do in fact feel his presence, which I haven't felt in a long time, but it doesn't come with gushy feelings of comfort. Living in his presence has been unexplainable because He and I are in what I can only describe as a "conflict resolution" stage in our relationship. There has been hurt both given and received by both parties and now we're committed to working through and beyond it.

To be honest, I have not attended church regularly since I've been in seminary. This has been a conscious choice and has been both good and bad at times. However, with Holy Week I found myself yearning to be part of a church community.

Yesterday I ventured over to South Fellowship here in Littleton. They set up a walk-through, interactive Easter experience called "Expressions of Easter." As you walk through the different stations, you are asked to become a part of the experience by washing your hands, smearing (fake) blood over a post and lintel, rubbing ashes into your skin, nailing a "burden" into the cross, etc.

Being one who enjoys working with his hands, this experience was important for me. While my mind maybe wasn't totally there and my emotions were few, the fact that I got to interact with my hands was crucial to enter into the story of Our Savior.

At the end of the experience, there was a labyrinth available for worship. Although I have seen many labyrinths and have heard endless conversations about how they're either the greatest tool for spiritual growth or the work of the devil, I had never engaged one.

Interested in what kind of experience I would have, I entered into the maze with the instructions to pray for yourself on the way in and for others on the way out. Wanting to open myself up to the Holy Spirit I tried being as aware of God's presence as I could and when anything would pop into my head, I would pay attention to it, discern whether or not it was good, and act accordingly.

As I was walking and making the first turn-around, I felt compelled to stop, stand, and open my palms up to God. I did this and just breathed into His presence for awhile. Without deliberate action on my part, my hands raised and widened, as if I was to carry a boulder. When my arms were completely widened around this "boulder," I felt the intense pressure of actually holding something like a boulder. The weight I felt was almost too much to handle and I stumbled backwards a little bit. Interestingly, as this was going on, God told me (in my head, no audible voice) that this is the weight of the world He feels and that He takes it on so that I don't have to. As weirdly as my arms had widened, they then wrapped in around my stomach, exchanging the weight of the world for a loving embrace. I have no doubt this was God hugging me.

I know this is a weird story and that it sounds like some fanatic charismatic voodoo experience, but it happened and I can't really explain it. I am comforted by the experience because there was a peace and understanding within it that would not have been there had it come from anywhere but God. So take it as you will...

I'm still on this journey and I don't think I'll ever get to my destination in the visible landscape. But alas, a vagabond I am.

love smlove...

2010-01-30T03:28:00.004-06:00

Man oh man... is there anyone out there who can explain to me how love works? Because I apparently am completely clueless when it comes to that... perhaps it's because I'm still learning what it means that God loves me.. it seems to be the trend that love always walks hand in hand with hurt.

you wanna know one of my favorite songs? it's "So Much Mine" by The Story...

another? "Aha" by Imogen Heap...

A Sonnet

2009-11-23T00:15:00.005-06:00

Fill this cup with taste so sweet and pure,

To drink this wine so warm would be divine.

Throughout the years I've learned it's not the cure,

But if God wills please fill this cup of mine.

So lost, now found I know not where I stand.

The darkness overshadowed my delight.

Absence of love I may not understand,

But what it did was strengthen my own might.

The fight, the kiss, the love: the perfect art.

Two lovers without timing have yet to love.

Yet after cruel death's glare upon my heart,

I dare not take my eyes from Thee above.

But where tis love is truly made complete,

Shall not be known until we finally meet.

What if I lived my life according to my name?

2009-10-27T16:31:00.004-05:00

My name is David Albert.

As my first name comes before my middle so first and foremost I am “beloved” by God who continuously shows me His abounding grace and love.

Out of that love comes forth my very being and purpose as explained in my middle name. I am to be “noble,” possessing an exalted moral character in order that I may be “bright,” radiating the light of Christ to others.

Therefore because of the love of God, I develop my character in Christ for the benefit of sharing this faith with others through the leading of the Holy Spirit.

dark night

2009-08-29T01:23:00.002-05:00

So my life has been jammed pack with different events here and there... and I'm ready for a night just to do nothing. I haven't had one of those in a long time. And I need those nights for sanity. People definitely give me energy but too much "doing" drains me... and I'm in need of just a little sanity, eh?

This summer has been interesting for me and that's probably the reason I haven't blogged much. When times are hard, I tend to keep every deep and intimate detail to myself... which means no blogging. There's something inside of me that never wants my full identity to come out online... and I don't think that's a bad thing. Censorship can save lives.

I've met alot of new people at seminary recently and it has re-inspired me to question why I love what I am doing here so much. Sometimes I feel as though I am a debbie downer because I talk about how hard seminary can be. But I'm only offering what I know. I almost didn't come back this semester... but regardless of how much I resisted, it would have taken alot more for me not to come back.

My faith is truly strong right now. I won't lie, I question whether or not I'm in a "dark night of the soul" which I am OK with. If God is providentially turning his back on me, then that is what needs to happen. But I do long for the day when I feel his overwhelming presence. I don't know if I've really felt that for awhile.

Nothing special

2009-07-24T02:44:00.003-05:00

This post hasn't been inspired by anything, but I just wanted to write. Tonight was a really fun night. Nothing what I expected seeing as it ended with karaoke-ing (which I haven't done for a LONG time...)

But today has been just a really good day. Had a long phone call with someone who I haven't gotten to talk to in awhile, created a new piece of art... actually TWO pieces of art, a good friend came back into town, and my neighbors brought me food!

I went through old pictures today and it blows my mind how much things have changed since my first year of college... sometimes I miss the naivete of it all... But I'm glad for where I am now and what I am doing. God has some sort of purpose in it all.

The Duck

2009-07-13T00:23:00.004-05:00

I was sitting by the river this evening talking to God, trying to hold back the tears. I don't understand alot right now and I'm not OK with that. Being 22 has pretty much sucked. When I look back at my year, I see alot of suffering and redemption... I've worked through alot of things.

As I was talking to God, I noticed this duck paddling upstream. It was coming to a waterfall and I figured it would soon realize it wasn't strong enough to walk up the rocks with water flowing down and would turn around. To my surprise, it walked up those rocks like it was nothing. I actually exclaimed, "What?!" and just continued to watch it paddle upstream against the strong current.

That duck restored my hope that I don't have to follow the stream. I don't have to follow that path. I am able to walk against the norm. And while it seems scary because I feel like my path is in "full-stream ahead" mode, I know that God has granted me the ability and gifts to change it.

Prayer

2009-06-12T12:15:00.002-05:00

I've never felt as supported by friends and family than I have right now... and it's not just support from them, but rather their petition to God for his will to be done in my life. And that's the greatest support that exists! Knowing that there is so much prayer surrounding my life and that God listens to and answers the prayers of his people, I am confident in whatever God has in store. I don't know what He will bring my way, but I am trusting in his sovereignty. And that's refreshing.

Tears

2009-06-08T10:40:00.002-05:00

I don't know what exactly I'm about to write because this is coming from the heart...

I've learned to embrace that I am a crier. Those years of being made fun of for being a "sensitive" guy make it so worth being able to truly feel things in life. Whether it's an inspiring story, dance, or song, listening to someone's hardships and struggles, or even thinking about both the glory and the woes of life, I can tear up. And I embrace it. Sometimes I don't have the words to express what I want to say and so I cry. Sometimes my prayers fall into God's heart through my tears. Sometimes it's my wrath and misunderstanding. Sometimes I cry out of fear. Sometimes out of hurt. And sometimes out of being so overwhelmed by who God is. As I'm writing this I feel that all-too-familiar buildup of tears. This past year has been one of the most redemptive. I've done alot of bad in my life and I've been the survivor of alot of bad from other people. And that's OK. Without that bad, I would never know how good the Good is. I've spent years beating myself up for things I couldn't forgive myself for, but I've learned to rest in God's arms. Without him I don't know how I would be here. I don't have all things figured out. I keep feeling like I have so much else to learn. But I know the power of God and his love and resurrection. And for that I don't regret any hurt I've caused or received. Because God's redemptive power is only apparent through the suffering.

the life of a young man

2009-05-28T21:03:00.003-05:00

The life of a young man is complex. People see us as naïve, rambunctious, irresponsible, restless, and unreliable. To an extent they are right. But don’t write us off just yet. No, instead, let me shed some light on this tragically trying time.

Freedom. Anyone who has seen Braveheart can attest to the traditional cost of freedom. But in this day and age, we get freedom without much cost. When we say goodbye to our parents and hello to no curfews, parties, community living, and girls, we feel like we’ve reached the pinnacle of all that is freedom: College.

We’ll soon find out that no curfews mean late nights and learning to hate our 8am’s, vowing to never take them again. Parties lead to mistakes only realized in the morning. Community living loses any potential luster when the guy next to you pees in the shower stall and you endure the stench as it flows into the only drain that just happens to be under your feet. And then there are girls. Either applying or rejecting any advice given to us by our fathers, we attempt to understand and “woo” the female species. Refusing to recognize that we’ll never understand them, we continue the pursuit.

In this new-found freedom, however, comes a terrifying reality of learning to think for yourself. Whether we choose to participate in the church or not, we are forced to start making choices without the influence of our parents. Regardless of what they think, they don’t really know what we do, so really, what control do they really have? ;)

If we choose to be a part of the church, we soon experience the questioning, doubting, and late nights talks trying to figure out the theology of God. Some of us give up. Some of us try to put God in a box to ease our restless minds. Others merely follow others blindly, refusing to think for themselves. Then there are those of us who continue to fight for our relationships with God, determined to never give up no matter the cost.

While figuring out the very things that make us the men we are, we get pressured by society to marry the perfect girl, get the good job, and make sure we have everything figured out by the time we graduate at the ripe age of 22.

Some of us soon trade in our frat shirts and flip-flops for oxfords and ties. Our late night antics no longer sustain us for those 8am business meetings. Having spent four years not answering to anyone, we suddenly have a boss breathing down our necks. Even if we have the job, when we don’t have the girl by our side, we wonder what’s wrong.

Then some of us decide that the pressures of society are too great and instead retreat into a freshman mindset of going and doing anything and everything our small monetary resources will allow. Our parents and their friends crack jokes about our leisure lives out of jealousy. They request we do something with our lives. Be worth something. What they don’t realize is that we are.

Every young man is merely trying to figure out who they are. Having been exposed to soccer practices, trumpet lessons, football games, church choir, and art classes growing up, we have no idea how to hone in on one skill to which we can devote the rest of our lives. That’s why some of us even decide to go to more schooling. Why not try something else?

So anyone who feels like they can’t understand us, take what we do with a grain of salt. We are a new generation with new battles against a degenerate society. Not all of us are clueless. Not all of us are without direction. We are not the lethargic sloths you think. We merely see the importance of gaining an identity. So help us in that. Meet us where we are. It’s not easy to grow up, and you should already know that. So remember what it’s like to be young and venturing into the unknown and support us accordingly.

A Personal Lament to God

2009-05-27T20:17:00.002-05:00

Mere mortals seem like they have nothing on You. But I’m here to say that they can hurt. They gossip. They cheap. They claim to be Your church, but seek not You.

You are the One who saves, who takes away hurt, who laments over His children’s suffering. But Your hands and feet, they’ve grown mouths of their own. They judge and think their ways are just. They hurt in the process, bruising the innocent and banishing those just as wicked as them.

They are not You. They are not perfect. We are not You. We are not perfect.

Help me to see the beauty that You have made them. Their eyes are blind. They have deaf ears. Sneak up and trip them that they might see Your awesome glory. That they might one day be blind having seen Your presence and deaf after hearing the thunder that is Your voice.

To the One who was, who is, and who is to come.

Redemptive Suffering

2009-05-22T19:25:00.002-05:00

I am in a class right now called "Redemptive Suffering." After coming off of one of the most intense and life-changing years of my life, I still find myself crying out to our God in pain for leading me to take this course. It's horrible. And when I say horrible I am talking about experiencing so much restlessness and lack of comfort that you can do nothing but fight God as he's warmly wrapping his arms around you so tightly that you feel his heart beat against yours.

Gardens and the Graves by Ryanhood

2009-05-17T02:31:00.002-05:00

You wanna go?
Don't even say you don't, Don't even say you don't
You don't have to have a heavy heart like me
To see, to know, it's time to go
I gotta leave, I gotta go
Where I don't know, can I make it on my own?
Oh but if I don't, It's just another day spent at home
Where even though my garden grows
It's empty without you
and the weeds outnumber the roses ten to two

You wanna go?
Come on don't say you won't, come on don't say you won't.
You spend your whole life chasing money
Wasting time, time, don't you want to come alive?

We gotta leave, we gotta go
Where, I don't know, Can we make it on our own?
Oh but if I don't, it's just another day spent at home
Where even though my garden grows
It's empty without you
And the weeds outnumber the roses ten to two.

Well, I want to be a good man
Oh I want to be strong
I want to help out with my hands
And grow my hair out long.
To lose myself with a girl
Then come right back and change the world
I want to be a good man
And help build heaven with my hands.

We gotta leave, we gotta go
Where, I don't know, Can we make it on our own?
Oh but if we don't, it's just another day spent at home
A wide world we'll never know
We will look out on this tomb one day
And say, my how our garden grew...

Biblical Interpretation Final Creative Project

2009-05-04T14:41:00.004-05:00

So I had to study a passage and then respond in some way to it. I picked 1 Corinthians 9:19-27 and if you click on the link, you can see my response on facebook. And I would LOVE to hear your reactions to it because I'm going to present this in class and I want to know your thoughts!

"I Became..." Photo Series

Nature

2009-04-21T16:47:00.001-05:00

I've been in a state of intense prayer over my church in Fort Worth for the past week and so I decided to simply go for a walk and see what God revealed to me. I had no agenda and had no idea what he would teach me. I let my mind wander from thought to thought. I sang occasionally and mainly just enjoyed the nature around me. I've learned a lot from nature today.

During this walk, I noticed how the fast-moving "rapids" looked far more intriguing than the calm parts, realizing that sometimes I look to keep my life rapidly moving forward for the adrenaline rush and oftentimes don't appreciate the times when life is calm. And when I am in those calm times, I usually spend all my energy on thinking about the next rapid. So hopefully God will teach me to better live in and accept the calm times.

I also noticed something about paths. There was one point when I veered off the path to go down to the water. When I was coming back to the path, I realized that I was forging my own trail, which made me think. If everyone forged their own way, there would be no beauty around the paths to enjoy. I've been a hiker my entire life and there's a reason you respect the path... you don't want to destroy the nature around you. So if everyone made their own paths in this life, everything would be destroyed. No growth could take place. No beauty would exist. God was telling me that I need to learn how to be a follower again.

I've had too many experiences of following shotty leaders that I've adopted the mentality that I don't want to follow anyone, but instead just forge my own way. However, I'm started to see how lonely a path that is. I need to learn to follow again. I'm afraid that my experiences with earthly leaders have affected my views of following God.

Interesting Website

2009-04-21T09:53:00.002-05:00

http://www.multnomah.edu/worldseen/

This website explores atheism, theism, spiritualism, and postmoderism in light of Christianity. Very interesting... and no, I don't agree with everything they present, but I think it's important to understand others' perspectives.

Thoughts?

A Call for Change in the Current State of the Church

2009-04-19T23:45:00.001-05:00

This response is written out of personal hurt, healthy anger, and a greater appreciation and understanding of how God works all things for good for those who love him.

Most of you who are reading this love God. You have been an active part of God’s kingdom in a number of capacities. Whether you have been hurt by the church or have hurt others in the church (both of which I have done), I hope you can appreciate this response in the love of God.

Since high school, I have been privy to the inside workings of the church. I’ve always been keenly aware of my surroundings, the people within them, and how I fit into it all. God has granted me this ability to be able to discern and help other people, and this is a time that calls for it.

When I was a junior in high school, I watched my church crumble before my eyes. The national church of which my local church was a member adopted doctrine and practices that are unbiblical. When the media proclaimed that Gene Robinson, a homosexual who was in an extra-marital relationship, was ordained as a bishop, people unsheathed their swords, drew lines in the sand, and stood guard ready to fight anyone who crossed them.

Friends who had become more like family over the years suddenly ex-communicated one another; people fought in open church forums; and the leadership, not knowing what to do, fought quietly behind doors as to what action should be taken.

Three years later I took an internship at this church and watched the division grow. While I was (by choice) naïve, the internal division within the staff did not escape my knowledge. This was the most disturbing. What church can function and grow if no healthy leadership is in place to set an example? I left that summer hating what God’s church had become, vowing to never be a part of its leadership again.

Once at TCU, I discovered a church promising a new approach to God’s kingdom. Although confused as to why God was pulling me back into church leadership, I accepted a job there.

During my first few months, I showed up, did what needed to be done, and left without much commitment, much less any emotional attachment. In hindsight, I wanted to remain on the outside of any potential conflict and was naturally skeptical of it all. However, God had other plans.

After about a year, I had gotten attached to this new family, embracing the joys and heartaches that came along with it. That was about the time a consultant was brought in to help us with unity.

In those two days we learned a lot about each other and conflict areas were brought to light with a plan to attack and diminish them. After a few more months, those plans seemed to be swept into the corner. They ceased to remain a priority for us.

So once again, we were left with a lack of unity and no direction. I started to see the detrimental effects it was having on each individual staff member. There was no one there to help us.

The conflict and lack of unity grew until I left in November at my two-year mark. My leaving was bittersweet. I knew there was something greater for me out there, but I couldn’t help but feel the exorbitant pain this conflict had on me. Seeing my family slyly rip each other apart added hatred and bitterness to my already calloused heart towards church leadership.

As I was driving away from Fort Worth that early November day, I got a call that I was accepted to seminary. What a way God has in revealing the next step to us. So, I started seminary.

After my short time in this process, I have realized the extent of my aversion towards those in church leadership. My personal experiences have taught me that church leaders are anything but nurturing, loving, and close to God. I have been blinded by their humanness. I only saw the dissension, selfishness, and cowardly back-stabbing.

Many of you reading this may agree, some will not. And I thank God for those of you who have never experienced hurt by the leadership of His church. But in light of recent events and the history I have experienced, I call for a change to happen within the church, within God’s people.

I am studying spiritual direction right now and while I am not an expert, I can see that the most critical contribution to the downfall of the church is that leaders do not possess the knowledge or the courage to take care of themselves before helping others.

Leaders, being the “good Christians” they are, unhealthily put others before themselves as some type of righteous sacrifice to the service of the Lord. However, if they are not first and foremost in a healthy relationship with God, they WILL NOT be able to lead effectively.

A healthy relationship with God does not mean everything in your life is in order; it does not mean you don’t have issues to deal with. In a healthy relationship with your Creator, you will not have a perfect life. You will continue to fail. You will continue to fall. There will be nights you question, nights you cry, nights in which confusion overwhelms your thoughts. But in that healthy relationship, you constantly turn to the Father, knowing and trusting that He is present, and that that is enough.

I have no doubt in my mind that such lack of attention to self leads to divisions within the church. It starts first in the leaders’ personal lives. With so much pressure to perform in front of and take care of the body of believers, their relationships with God become a job suddenly void of joy, relaxation, and fulfillment. Instead, resentment, bitterness, and callousness consume the heart and head.

This inevitably leads to a self-imposed distance from God creating an inappropriate level of autonomy. This false sense of autonomy apart from God breeds a fear that unless they maintain control, the church will fall apart. (Ironically, when leaders give up control to our trusting God, such falling apart does not occur.)

With such obsession with control, church leaders soon bury themselves by taking on the weight of the church. This premature burial leads to hostility towards others and eventually an unwillingness to look beyond personal agendas and see the greater role of leadership as a means to nurture, love, and guide the body of Christ.

As I said earlier, most people reading this have experienced the detrimental effects of church division, and I know I am not the only one to uncontrollably weep over such circumstances. Having experienced this a number of times and by the grace of God, I am able to see the overarching problems that arise within church leadership. Accordingly, I call for a change in the current state of the church:

First and foremost, do not give up on the church. Without mutual support and love from within the body, no change can happen.

Stand firm in the knowledge that God, while having seemingly turned his back, has done so to re-establish our utter dependence on Him and Him alone.

Remember that Jesus Christ is the head of the church. No leader should ever be so highly viewed as Him who was grotesquely nailed to a cross in order that we should have freedom in this life.

These next ones are written specifically for leaders:

Take care of your relationship with God. I cannot emphasize this enough. If you are currently in leadership, or even if you think you are to do so one day, seek out human relationships that will strengthen your relationship with God. This not only means close friendships, but also seeking the guidance and wisdom of someone who is aware of how God moves and works and reveals his being in this world. This should be someone who actively listens to God and undoubtedly lives in His presence.

If you have any psychological or emotional issues, seek professional counseling. These issues WILL negatively affect your ministry. Oftentimes as leaders, we feel as though we need to not admit we have problems. Guess what? People relate more to those who are scarred, walk with a limp, and sometimes need to be carried. People want to know they are not alone in their hurts and sufferings. They need to be shown what to do with it. If you sweep it all under the rug, what example is that showing? SEEK HELP. If we are to effectively guide and direct people, we need to manage our own downfalls that stand in the way of relating to God. Sometimes prayer is just not enough. I know that may sound unbiblical, but professional counseling is a powerful tool. I speak from experience.

Finally, remember to love. None of what I said above counts for anything without love. God is love and since he dwells within us through the Holy Spirit, we are certainly capable of loving one another. Love does not mean accepting the status quo. It means having enough compassion and courage to quietly rebuke our brothers and sisters for the greater good of God’s kingdom. God is the end-all in this. Remember that.

These are the words of my heart. This is my soul laid bare. I weep continuously for the state of the church and because of that my voice needs to be heard. If you have any questions about what I have stated or even wish to refute such statements, please contact me so we can discuss openly and honestly. I do not have all the answers. I am not perfect. But I am confident in my role within the church and live in the loving presence of God my savior and comforter, ever aware of how he is moving throughout my life. And for that I am thankful.

God's pushing

2009-04-03T12:02:00.003-05:00

So I'm sitting here working on a major paper for a class, and God urged me to stop and share what all he has been doing in my life.

For the past couple of years, I have been in what I can only describe as a "period of mourning." It has been characterized by a lot of self-reflection and confusion about things that had happened in my past and how they were affecting my relationships in the present day. For two years I have been beaten down by the pains of suffering, holding on to the hope that God would one day pull me out of the miry pit.

Last summer I hit rock bottom. Looking back to journal entries, it was a gradual backsliding. Although a leader in the church, I found myself not believing in a God who saves and comforts. I had grown an aversion towards my Savior and that brings tears to my eyes as I write. I hated myself, what I thought God had made me and thought there was no way out. I was wrong.

Sitting on a couch with a good friend, I confessed unbearable sins and through his forgiveness I was able to start a hard and long journey of healing. Within weeks of that conversation, my girlfriend and I ended our year and a half relationship and I went into counseling. It was there that I first allowed God to truly love and accept me. I had never fully embraced God's love and therefore never trusted Him.

It has been a hell of a year, experiencing the loss of a grandfather, a great aunt, and my first love. But in the midst of it, I started seminary because I knew God would shape me for the benefit of others.

In the past few days, and for no particular reason that I can see, God has solidified within me who I am. My mother asked me to put into words who I am and here it is: My heart is not on this earth. It is not with another person or with other people. It is with God. And it is in Him that I find my love, trust, and acceptance. I no longer turn to others for such satisfaction.

I don't know how this strikes you, but for me there is no liberty like what I feel right now. To know that I am a child of God with no limits and no restrictions. I do not have to perform for my God. He loves me in my sin. He loves me in my devotion to Him. There is no freedom like this.

If you are reading this and longing for this kind of freedom, know that it may not come quickly and it might take a true period of suffering and pain to get there. But know that living in His presence is completely worth the suffocation in the miry pit.

This period of my time can be summed up in Psalm 40:1 which says, "I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry." God does hear you when you cry out. He does answer your prayers. And He is our hope.

My role

2009-04-01T21:59:00.002-05:00

It is not my role to carry another person's pain and hurt. It is my role to walk alongside Jesus as He carries that person.

Loss

2009-03-30T10:55:00.002-05:00

I use to and still think that death ironically brings beauty to life. That when death is prevalent, life gets that much more precious. I go into times of contemplation and reflection when death happens. But I've also seen that loss can take another form as well. Loss of a friendship or a relationship is just as hard... and can bring just as much reflection on the beauty of life. Life is not meant to be lived from one appointment to another. It is not meant to burden you. It is not meant to weigh us down with obligations and meetings. Life is freedom. Think of the people you've lost. Remember their spirits of freedom. Remember their laughter. Their love. Remember the way you felt with them.

My Aunt Evie. My Aunt Evie is dancing with the Lord right now. Dancing with Uncle Bill. It was only in the last few months that I learned the significance of Aunt Evie's life. I saw that through the tears of my mother. Aunt Evie meant alot to my mom. It was hard to see her in Eden Home, bed-ridden at times. But, you know? The last time I got to see my Aunt Evie, she was smiling. Sure she was hard of hearing, but she had accepted where she was and was making the best of it. She played cards, talked with friends, and could still enjoy the sunshine. Even if her body was failing her, she still kept that spirit alive. You could see it in her eyes. She was part of a sorority. Did you know that? One time my roommates and I looked through her sorority book... they had so much fun. I remember playing in her backyard when we were all younger. I loved the grass and the back steps. There are many pictures throughout the generations taken on those steps.

So what about these losses? I could let them eat me alive and spiral myself into a depression with no silver lining. I could retreat from life, from friendships, from relationships as to never have to get close to anyone ever again. After all, when you get close is when hurt has the most potential. But what kind of a life is that? No. Instead, I'm going to charge full steam ahead with my relationships. I'm going to risk that hurt, that loss. Living everyday like I'm going to die doesn't mean doing every extreme thing imaginable. To me it means pouring as much of myself into others' lives that they could better know the love and mercy God has given me freely. In the face of death, I want to breathe life into people. It doesn't mean I have to go around like a crazy person preaching the Gospel or go on far-off missions to reach the lost. It means living WITH people right here. Right where you are. And not half-assing this life. But putting yourself out there because you know that God is in you and constantly surrounding your being. I can love and care for people because God first does so for me. I am nothing apart from Him.

Finally... a break.

2009-03-21T23:52:00.002-05:00

So it's been a freakishly long time since I last commented on anything in my life. The past month has been a rollercoaster of emotions and pile about a bajillion assignments on top of that and I felt like I could barely come up for air. But God has taught me the importance of time with Him to fully breathe.

Throughout lent (and I hope beyond) I am practicing the art of contemplation... it involves alot of silence, solitude and then reflection. I finally think I've figured out the avenue to use my ability to think through things so in-depthly.

I just spent the past few days with mi familia in the mountains. It was so needed. They are a very safe and secure place for me and I'm so thankful they were up here.

I'm now in Spring Break and 3 of my friends and I are headed over to Crested Butte for a week of relaxation, crazy fun times, and of course... MORE SKIING!!!!!!!! I just can't get enough. Those times when I don't want to think or do but just be, I go skiing. It's my time with the Father. I get to have fun in his creation and he looks down at me and smiles, ever so thankful that I remember his gift of life should be enjoyed. Sure there is a time of sadness and mourning, but as one of my friends told me, there is a time to DANCE as well... and I'm choosing to dance.

Soul Care

2009-02-26T23:32:00.000-06:00

Caring for people can be draining... but worth it.

Prayer Project 1

2009-02-22T15:11:00.002-06:00

For class we had to take an hour out of our day and reflect upon these questions:

1. What is your current, functional (not theoretical) image of God?

2. How does this image compare to the God revealed in Jesus?

3. What distorted images of God have you overcome or are still struggling with?

4. Does your image of God lead you into a sense of being the beloved of God?

Here was my response:

This experience was really incredible this morning. I realized that my image of God is one of protection, love and acceptance. I can run to him and he can hold me. I may not understand how or why he loves me, but I can feel it. I experience God as people encountered Jesus in his day. He accepted people just as they were and so much loved radiated from him that people were instantly drawn to him. That's how I am with God. However, I haven't always viewed God like this. For a long time I saw him as an entity that would constantly drag me through hard times and somehow I was suppose to love him and respect him for that. I also realized how much of a disconnect there is between what people told me of God and who he really is. Whenever I experience God on a personal level it's an experience of love and acceptance. For whatever reason, people led me to believe that I had to perform for God and that I had to follow a list of do's and don'ts to get into his favor. This is a view that I still struggle with. I have a problem with what Christianity has become with it's ways and methods to be a "perfect Christian." I've been burned many times by this lie. I know and feel that God loves me and that I am his beloved ("David" actually means beloved). I still struggle with receiving love sometimes and I may never understand why he loves me, but I know he does. My heart just hurts for those still out there who think they must follow certain rules to have a relationship with God. God is love. And that's a message not often shared.

Early morning

2009-02-02T08:44:00.002-06:00

There have been many times this past week I was inspired to write a blog, but I never did as I feared that I would merely ramble with muddle thoughts and incoherent sentences. This morning I don't know if my thoughts are any more concrete, but I wanted to touch base.

God breaks down barriers and stereotypes. Coming to seminary I expected to find a bunch of uppity, over-zealous people thinking they would be the next "Billy Graham" without having ever been a part of a church staff before. I have found quite the opposite. People here are full of excitement about what God is doing in their lives and in the world. Even though I have just met these people, we are open and honest with each other (a trait not found very often today). It's not like we are up-chucking all our deepest darkest secrets over a pint of ice-cream, but God has definitely laid the foundations for many close friendships. And for that I am excited.

I called my parents yesterday overwhelmed with how much death is surrounding the community I know (whether that be here, Fort Worth, or Midland). It's hard for me to handle death. I did not have to experience alot of it growing up and so it seems to be a new thing to face. Since my grandad's death in October, there have been probably 20-30 people in Midland who have died that have had some connection to my family's life.

I'm about to go into a story about death here in Denver, so if you don't want to read about it, please skip to the next paragraph. I was hosting a house party for Falling Whistles (www.fallingwhistles.com) and my friend David (who works for FW) needed a ride to my home. He was staying in the city. Immediately when I told him I would pick him up, I had a sinking feeling. I didn't think much about it, but asked my friend Ashley to chum along. So, we jumped in the car and headed towards the city. As we were about to exit onto Evans street from Santa Fe, a police car came zooming down to block the off-ramp. As the small line of cars trying to exit maneuvered back onto Santa Fe, we got closer and closer to where the lights were flashing. Unable to see anything, I figured something had happened with the railroad next to us. Right as I was about to pull onto Santa Fe, Ashley and I glanced over to see half a motorcycle and a motionless body on the ground. I'd never seen anything like this. Almost paralyzed with shock and fear, I gripped the steering wheel and look directly ahead, suddenly unable to hear the radio or Ashley's concern for what we just saw. Coming to my senses, I made it to David's house where Ashley prayed over me. Thank God for community.

Death is never going to be an easy thing to deal with. While I think God is showing me how much a part of the life cycle death is, it still seems so unnatural to me. But death has a way of breathing life into people. One of my first thoughts after my grandad's death is that I needed to go to seminary. Tears are brought to my eyes just thinking of that moment. In such confusion and chaos in my mind, going to seminary was the only thing that was clear.

God never ceases to amaze me. In life, in death. In sickness, in health. In the wandering, in being found. According to logic, I should not be here today. I have put myself in so many situations that prove dangerous and stupid in hindsight... but through the grace of God I am alive to tell of his powerful and active presence in my life. If you are having trouble feeling God, I ask that you spend time just sitting and talking to him. Get away from your desk, your responsibilities, the pressures. Just sit and be. Sit and talk. And then sit and listen. So often we get too wrapped up in talking to God that we forget prayer can be the start of a conversation.

Below is an excerpt from a devotional I did for Trinity Chapel last fall:

God,
I cannot fathom why you love me or even why you have chosen me to do your will. Your presence scares me even as your arms wrap around my frailty and hold me tight. You are my shelter when I am in need of a place to sleep. You are my comfort in times when people fail me. There is no place I can run that will allow me to escape you. You are everywhere. I wish I could treat you as my everything, but I let greed, selfishness, and even people get in the way of honoring and following you. I constantly fall short. But you are always there to pick me up. I try to run, you keep me grounded. I turn my back, you hug me from behind. I curse your name, you whisper mine. You pull me kicking and screaming through trials and tests. Somtimes I think it's too unbearable. But you never cease showing me your love. It's a love I cannot experience from anyone else on this earth. A love that hurts and comforts at the same time. A love born out of your very character. One that I cannot understand. You are my Abba, my joy, my hope, my strength. You are God.

Can't sleep

2009-01-25T01:33:00.004-06:00

I've been sleeping like a baby up here, but for the first time since I've arrived, I'm having trouble falling asleep. It might have to do with seeing "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" which is a narrative about the joyful sufferings of life, death and everything in between. It begs the question, What defines age? And more importantly, What defines you?

What do I let define me? Am I a seminary student? Graphic designer? Lover? Fighter? Passivist? Activist? Honest? Manipulative? Can I be all and none at the same time? I could either denounced all the good and the bad that is in me and say that nothing on this earth defines me; or I could embrace the good, bad and ugly, knowing full-well that God is going to use the whole of me to accomplish his work.

That might have not made sense, but I'm not going to correct it if it didn't. After all, "There are no rules to this thing." That quote (from the movie) may make more of an impact on me than most I hear from a pulpit or a stage on any given Sunday. We don't know what is going to be handed us. Who knows what hand we'll be dealt? Certainly no human can know.

My friend once told me he had one of his most powerful worship experiences during a "secular" concert. What does that simple statement say about how God works? Are we so blind and ignorant to believe that God only works through the church? How much of a boundary we place on God if we hold to it that only Christians can complete his work! And if you disagree with this statement, I very much welcome your response.

Here's a challenge:
How much of what you believe comes out of felt stories and VBS skits? Have you stepped back lately and evaluated what you believe? You may not want to. The thought may make you figet in your seat a bit. But seriously ask yourself why you believe in a God that sends hurricanes to destroy cities, death into an already unstable family, an economic crisis into one of the most powerful countries in the world, a shooter into a college campus, addictions to struggling pastors, hurts in any and every way to anyone and everyone with what seems to be no rhyme of reason. I have an idea as to why I still believe (and even why these things make my belief stronger), but I'm curious as to why you do...

New Roommate, New Adventures

2009-01-20T12:27:00.002-06:00

So Cho moved in yesterday and I think we're going to really hit it off. He greeted me with a traditional Korean gift which was so appreciated! Let's see... I've been here a little over a week and God has already shown me his provision in friendships. I checked out a church called "The Next Level" which sounds a little out there, but it has a great meaning. The leaders of the church hold that no matter where you are in your faith, there's always room to grow to the next level in that relationship. The church meets on Tuesday nights in a rented church space. They do this for missional opportunties: they believe people who don't know Christ would more likely come to a service on a Tuesday rather than on a traditional Sunday. It's also a missional opportunity to go to the slopes or somewhere else on Sunday mornings... which, if you think about it, is really neat. Not that many Christians are out and about on Sunday mornings, leaving great opportunities to reach out to people... just a thought. I actually met some people at TNL last week. We all started talking and soon found ourselves at a local bar ordering a PITCHER of hot chocolate and playing darts... so random and awesome.

Another really cool thing about TNL is their structure of leadership. There is no senior pastor. There are four pastors who are on an equal level and oversee different parts of the church. I like this model (which I think it pretty biblical) because it alleviates pressure from one person. No one has to feel the weight of the church alone and no one can take credit for the church... And plus, if Christ is our high priest, then why would someone else be "in charge." I'm not knocking traditional structures of church leadership, I just think it might be healthier for a "senior pastor" to not have to feel like he has to lead the church on his own...

I also visited another church called "Westwoods Community." It reminded me alot of Trinity Chapel. It meets in a strip mall and is pretty small, but warm. No one really came up to me or anything (I went with one of my friends), but I still felt at home there. So I don't know where I'll end up calling my "church home", but I'm not going to worry about that and just let the spirit lead.

This past week I also went to an area called "Red Rocks." It's an outdoor concert arena in the mountains which overlooks the Denver metro area... Such breath-taking views. My friend and I just sat there for quite some time people-watching. On stage, there was a guy playing the guitar as another beat-boxed (I've never written that out, so that might not be how you spell it...). The beat-boxer's girlfriend soon brought out her hula-hoops and started entertaining the small crowd gathered to see the spectacle. It was quite interesting to watch. Soon after, a lady started dancing quite oddly to the guitar beat. She flew around the stage with her pouch of absinthe on his shoulder, which she shared with anyone and everyone who wanted a taste. They then lit up and starting smoking right there on stage. Colorado culture is much different about that. I've seen people smoking out in the open a number of times. You don't find that in the parts of Fort Worth or Midland I come from. Again, it's a different culture up here and I've only now been introduced to it.

On that same note, churches here preach alot of messages that attract new Christians I've noticed. Alot of the outreach here is to non-Christians and how to develop a new relationsip with Christ. It's so different than messages in the bible belt where everyone knows what Christianity is. I was talking to a friend the other day about the difference between Colorado and Texas Christianity. We came to the conclusion that it would be more difficult to work in the bible belt opening people's eyes to what Christianity is really about. Texans and other places in the south have mastered what I call "societal Christianity" in which Christianity is more of a status symbol than a way of life. My heart aches for such people which makes me think that I will go back to Texas at some point. I just can't stay away.

my own space

2009-01-12T14:58:00.002-06:00

So I'm sitting here in my apartment looking out over the rooftops at the mountains covered in snow and I'm content. It's been a crazy few days of packing, loading, driving, sleeping, driving, unloading and unpacking... and there's still more to be done. I could not have done any of this without my parents who continuously show me love, grace, and what taking care of someone means. They are incredible people and I appreciate them more than they know. They left yesterday and Elizabeth left a few minutes ago. I'm actually here. I live in Littleton now.

Yesterday Elizabeth and I went driving around the city to take it all in. We found the Columbine Memorial and I was once again reminded of why I'm going back to school to learn how to take care of people. There has been so much hurt in this community and that's just a fraction of what the world has felt. Elizabeth and I recalled all the major catastrophic events that have happened in our lifetime: Oklahoma City bombing, Columbine, 9/11, the tsunami, Katrina, Virginia Tech. And the question is begged, have we learned anything? When major events like these happened, we all come together with support and love. Then when things settle down we go back to bickering and division, forgetting that there is a bigger picture. We all get so self-involved that we become blind to what really matters.

I have two weeks til classes start. My dad told me I should use this time to relax and rest. For some many of us 2008 was a hard year. I'm looking forward to reflecting on all that has happened: graduation from college, relationships and friendships changing, grandad's death, struggling with faith, priorities changing. I don't take Sabbath very well. It's hard to slow down and just trust God. I'm going to try and take a weekly Sabbath this next year. It's important and I want to follow through with it, so if you want to encourage me in that, I would appreciate it.

Well, I'm off to go relax and I would love to hear from you. And if you're ever in the area, you have a place to crash... and a guaranteed skiing buddy :)

Long overdue...

2009-01-01T19:31:00.002-06:00

I had NO idea it's been over a month since I last updated anything until my mom brought it to my attention! Sorry for keeping you yearning to know what has happened with it all! I know you've probably been on the edge of your seat...

Let's see. I'm moving up in about a week and will be living in the apartments on campus. I'll be sharing a two-bedroom with my new Korean roommate named Won Bum Cho. When I contacted him after finding out we were to live together, I asked him what I should call him. He told me that his first name is Won Bum, but that if that was too hard for me to say, I could call him "Cho." So, Cho it is! He's finishing up his undergraduate in law and economics in Korea and will be starting at the seminary in January (just like me!). I am glad to have someone there next to me experiencing everything for the first time as well.

Having spent about a month at home, I have gotten use to living with my parents again. I have realized that family is a huge priority for me and that no matter where I end up, I will keep them as such.

I had some amazing friends come out to Midland for New Year's and saying goodbye to them today came a major slap in the face that I am actually moving away. I may not see them until next Christmas and that's hard to swallow. But my excitement definitely trumps my sadness. I am ready to move forward on another adventure. And what an adventure this will be!

I am excited to get into a community again. I have my family here which has been good, but I miss living life with people my age, going to coffee and talking, having goofy nights, just driving around and singing to music. I miss the people at Trinity Chapel. I miss my co-workers. But my church in Midland, Holy Trinity has provided some of that community.

Holy Trinity has gone through a really hard few years and is down to about 50-100 people in the pews each week. It has two full-time people and no clergy. And although it has been through hell and back, it is a family. It is a community. It is the church. People have stepped up and taken over ministries. We get together every week for dinner. The children run around while the old geezers sit and talk. There aren't many rules to follow. Not that many programs. It is merely people coming together and living life. It's actually very refreshing. So often churches get wrapped up with programs and rules to follow, restrictions with volunteers, and other precautions that take away from letting the church grow organically. I know some limits are necessary, but let's not let those dictate how the church works.

So, I'm off to Denver soon and I'll be turning in my t-shirts and TOMS for sweaters and actual shoes. It's going to be really really really cold, but as long as I get to ski, I'll be fine.

My New Home!

2008-11-15T11:39:00.002-06:00

YAY! So, I've turned in my deposit, and I guess that means I'm moving to COLORADO!!!!!!!!!!! I cannot wait. Although a little scared, I'm excited! I still don't have a place to stay, but I know God will provide that.

Yesterday I went hiking with some incredible people. It was snowing (that's right... in November!) and as we hiked through the trees and mountains, I was at such peace. There is something about creation that can't help but scream the glory of God. There's a reason people retreat to the mountains when they need time away... you don't have cell phone service (well, we had a little), no agenda, no stress, no day-to-day tasks... you get to just be.

There's a chance that DenSem is going to start an outdoor leadership certificate program and I would about pee my pants if that happens! It would cover everything from practical skills such as safety procedures to the theology of the outdoors... I would be all over that!

Please pray for me over the next few months. Moving to a place without a set community is a bit daunting and I know I'm about to enter into a period of hard spiritual warfare and questioning and doubt. So please come along side me in this journey. I will need support in this.

And if you want to check out pictures of my time here, they're on my facebook page: http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2121314&id=18309614&saved#/album.php?aid=2121314&id=18309614

poor, shivering grad students...

2008-11-13T22:39:00.003-06:00

...so my new friend, Ashely, and I are currently sitting outside Panera in the freezing Denver outdoors. But it's worth it because you can still pick up their free wifi on the sidewalk after they're closed...

Ashley just looked up the weather and it's 44 degrees (feels like 39 degrees) and tomorrow it's going to snow... but no worries, I'll just be hiking through the mountains with a high in the lower 30s with winds at 10-15 mph... shoo dang.

Ok, so Denver Seminary is phenomenal. I love the campus, the people, what God is doing there. I met with a professor in the Christian Formation department (what I'll be studying...) and he affirmed so much that I am suppose to study this and in Denver. Christian Formation is essentially the art of Spiritual Direction and mentoring; helping people in their spiritual journeys... I'm so excited. I've always loved helping people see their worth in God and how he's moving in their lives, and now I get to learn skills to further help me carry out what God wants me to do with that.

I'm a little nervous about starting seminary. I hear it's one of the hardest times for your faith, but DenSem has realized this and provides ways to combat this. I'll be given a mentoring director (advisor), a small group, and I'll have to find a mentor in the Denver area. That part I'm most nervous because I have already had amazing mentors and it's going to be weird getting another one. I just hope I can find someone to connect with. I guess it will force me to go out into the community and meet people... hmmmmmmmm....

Man, O Man! The adventure continues! This is going to be crazy... can't wait.

Acceptance

2008-11-08T22:45:00.000-06:00

Welp, it's all beginning! I've been accepted to Denver Seminary and will soon become a Coloradan... (and that's really what they're called. I looked it up! Read here.) I head up to good ol' Colorado next week to visit the campus, go hiking, and visit a friend in Aspen. It's been a crazy ride so far deciding to go to seminary. My sister's godmother who is around 90 years old (and still kickin!) told my mom years back that I was going to be a priest one day (I was raised Episcopalian). When my mom told me this, I scoffed and figured there was no way I would ever be anything close to a priest.

Fast forward a few years and I found myself interning for the church I grew up in. Our church leadership was hit with alot of stress when the national Episcopal church started adopting unsound doctrine. I saw how hard it was to "run" a church and I told myself I would never be a part of a church's leadership again. I thought there were too many politics.

Fast forward another couple of years and I found myself working as a communications intern for a church in Fort Worth. I stayed there for two years. And it wasn't until the end of those two years that I realized I was in this kind of life for a reason. I care too much for the church just to watch it suffer. There is alot of poor leadership out there and it's infesting the body. Many local churches are hollow. The body looks intact, but it's merely skin deep.

People. People. People. That's what makes up the body and second to God, people should be the focus of any ministry. We are meant to live in relationship with each other. We are meant to cry with others, laugh with them, celebrate, hold, scream, whisper, LIVE LIFE with them. There is nothing easy about being a Christian. It is hard. It's almost a paradox in this world. And that's the point. It's suppose to not make sense.

We are not meant to understand how God works, but we know he works in glorious ways to further his kingdom. We are not the center of the story. We get to be a part of it. I've used the term "we" alot because we are in this together. That's how the body works. My gift for talking with and helping people is nothing without someone who can stand up and teach truth. God gives us different gifts that we might come together to use them.

For awhile I saw others around me who are great teachers, and I thought, "Man, if only I could do that." I even thought of studying Biblical Studies in seminary to learn how to teach truth like that. But then I realized what gifts God haa given me. He's given me the gifts of mercy and compassion. And I am meant to hone these gifts that I might do my part in furthering his kingdom.

I won't lie... It's hard having this kind of gift. My heart aches alot and God has pulled me through some major suffering that I might know what it's like to be at the bottom. But I know that without all the heartache, I wouldn't be at the place I am now, and I wouldn't have the passion to help others through their suffering. So praise be to God who knows what it's like to suffer. What love is in that... that God himself came down from heaven and bore our Sin. What a selfless sacrifice.